Author Archives: Barbara Holstein

SUCCESS is Ninety-nine percent perspiration and one percent inspiration! Dr. Harry A. Becker, Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein’s Dad taught her that!

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Sometimes kids and adults forget how much resiliency and persistence we can really muster.  Life is not always easy, but we can grow as we never give up.  I was so lucky.  I had a great mentor in my father.  It is ten years since he died, actually on May 16th.  So in memory of my dad and in the hopes of further inspiring all of you, here is one of the stories my Dad loved to tell, even when he was gravely ill and in the hospital.

When my father went to camp at age 12, he was voted: ·The laziest ·The least deserving. ·The least likely to succeed.

Perhaps this was because he was tall and placed with boys several years older than he. Ironically, he was probably the least lazy, the most deserving, and one of the most successful people I have ever known. My Dad was a loving husband, a loving father, and certainly 35aa loving son. Beyond these roles and all of his connections with others, I believe he was an encourager of the human spirit. He was a realist who truly saw untapped potential in everyone who crossed his path–even me!

I remember him saying that persistence and perspiration would help me meet my goals. He loved to explain that most accomplishments are “Ninety-nine percent perspiration and one percent inspiration.” For example, when I was a teenager he would help me wake up at 5:00 AM if I had homework to finish. “Take a shower, have something to eat and then get back to task.” He was always there to ease my burden but not take it away. My responsibilities were my own to meet, not his. How could he be helpful but not do my job–Proofreading? Driving me to school late? Brainstorming a topic? He never however, did work for me–it was mine to do. Like all good teachers he never promised that he could remove my pain. He taught that I could live with the pain and get beyond it.

He was always my teacher. He taught me how to polish my shoes and to count my packages as I shopped so I would know how many things I had with me. Above all he taught me determination. Never give up. You can do it!

 

 

Help Find Sunny the Cat a Home

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 Please Help “Sunny” with information, prayers and maybe a small miracle that it turns out you should be Sunny”s owner. A stray somewhat feral cat came to our back porch in the early autumn.  His body was practically a skeleton.  I started to feed him.  He blossomed.  He gave up growling as he ate.  He let me pick him up.  He wanted to sleep on the bed!

 
Long story short,  I got him neutered and all his shots.  But he is not a good match for us.  He seems to need to be an only cat, at least until some of the left over wild is out of him.  He doesn”t like my 16 year old female and makes that very clear by attempting to attack her.  This is very hard on her as she has a heart condition. He is more comfortable with our 16 year old male-they ignore each other.  However, I think he would do best as the only cat in a household. He is now very loving and wants to sit on laps and be petted.
 
He recently bit my leg as I was getting ready to feed him.  This must have been because I put him last while I fed and gave medicine to the two older cats.  He needs to be first and I think only.
He is a beautiful short haired gray-taupe striped Tabby.  He has incredible love to give but in the right setting.  I should add my mom is very ill and I have to go back to Massachusetts all the time.  So I am under a lot of strain and time restraints.  Can you please help in any way?  I live in OceanTownship in MonmouthCounty, New Jersey.  
 
I would be happy to provide a good donation in money or in supplying cat food for a number of months to the right real “parent” for Sunny. 
In my next newsletter I”ll send a picture.  Feel free to write to me at one of the following e mail accounts:
barbara.holstein@gmail.com  or call 732-571-1200 anytime. 

Why as a positive psychologist I chose to write fiction: The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything)

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11aLots of time people ask me why I started to write fiction as a positive psychologist. It is a good question. I started writing fiction because I wish to communicate information about how to grow up safe and strong to kids and their parents in a way that they can HEAR me. Lots of time we have great information to share, but nobody takes it in. Why? Sometimes it is too dry, sometimes the timing is off, sometimes it is the speaker”s manner. So to avoid all of those potential set-backs I have chosen fiction. The information is not dry! It is exciting and yet familiar to all of us. All of us were 10, 11 and 12 once. I don”t use my voice, but the voice of a girl who we fall in love with from the first page when she talks about her crush. And I know the timing is right, as every year their are millions of kids getting a year older who have universal concerns about their feelings, their friendships, crushes, bullying, home life, etc.

Let”s take a look at The Truth (I”m a girl, I”m smart and I know everything):
Feeling safe to communicate feelings and thoughts, no matter how personal and/or negative, rather than acting them out, is very important in child and adolescent development.

vThe Truth helps move girls, tweens, teens and their families closer to honest communicating. Every page brings to light feelings and thoughts so universal in nature that almost any page can be used to stimulate family members moving toward a more honest and open place with each other.

v The Truth gives a platform for kids to work through negative feelings about conflict and gives parents a new way of seeing conflict from the vantage point of how it affects their kids.

vThe Truth helps to prevent “mean girls” from developing by showing tweens how to express feelings using words, rather than anger or violence.

v The Truth helps girls see that they are not alone, by being able to so easily identify with the “girl” who is sharing her most personal feelings and thoughts with them directly, via diary form. If Mom also reads The Truth and shares more of her thoughts and feelings while also listening to her daughter”s “real” voice, than a family correction will be made and indeed, the girl will be less alone

vThe Truth also helps kids come to terms with growing up in a less than perfect world. The “girl” is able to do this using many skills that the reader can emulate, such as finding ways to hold on to the best of herself, even as she comes to terms with a world and a set of parents that are less than perfect.

THE TRUTH (I'm a girl, I'm smart and I know everything) comes to the Manasquan School Girl's Book Clubs

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Being with the 5th and 6th grade girls was such fun.  They had such great ideas for the second book in The Truth Series and so many real issues to discuss.  Bullying is a real issue, as is being ignored or put down by a teacher.  Both of these issues were included in the first book.  I will make certain they reappear again in the second book.  These are topics that need to be discussed.  Another topic that all the girls seem to want in the next book is another crush.  This time, they suggested it could be a bit more real, rather than mostly in the girl”s head.  That makes sense to me, as the girl will be a year older.  One girl suggested that she is at a school dance and she sees her best friend kissing the boy she likes.  The other girl is so ashamed or embarrassed when the girl confronts her that at first she tries to lie and claims that she wasn”t at the dance.  Of course the truth comes out and the girls have to deal with all the emotions sparked by the kiss.

Another topic discussed was best friends in general.  Perhaps the girl could find a new best friend who was originally a bully, but now they get along.

Such great ideas!  I am so happy that I have such wise girls to advise me, the psychologist!


The Truth (I'm a girl, I'm smart and I know everything) comes to the Manasquan School Book Clubs for Fifth and Sixth Grade Girls

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I had such a marvelous time with both groups of girls. These are great Book Clubs that meet at lunchtime. The guidance counselor opens each meeting with the following: The Truth is….and then she and the girls go around and fill in what is the truth for them over the last few weeks. This time Ms. Sanders was talking about the truth being how great she felt being away on vacation. The girls also had many truths about vacation, some good, some a bit disappointing. But that is the nature of vacations. Not all of them live up to our hopes and dreams. And that is the truth!

Then we went on to talk about The Truth (I”m a girl, I”m smart and I know everything). In each group a page was read aloud and discussed. In one group we discussed the Book Club that the girl and her friends start in the book.

What was really fun for me as a psychologist and an educator was what the girls would like to see in the next book-the sequel to The Truth and what they would like changed. Come back tomorrow for that information.

“The highlight of our book club meeting was a visit by the author of our book selection, The Truth, by Dr. Barbara Holstein. The girls were able to share and discuss areas of the book that inspired them most. They told her how and why certain parts of the book impacted them. The author invited the girls to ask her questions about her writing experience and whether or not the book was autobiographical. She then asked the girls for suggestions for her next book. They recommended many issues that they felt needed to be addressed for their age group.

What a great experience for our girls! I am sure we have several future writers among them!”

Millie Sollecito Ed.D.
Student Assistance Counselor
Manasquan Elementary School
msollecito@manasquanboe.org

Dr. Holstein Talks to Kids from Stanton High School in Stanton, Iowa about The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything)

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Yesterday was such a treat for me as a psychologist and an author. I talked via conference phone to Tonya, Lake and Emily at the Stanton High School. They are all students of Mrs. Whigham and they read my The Truth! All enjoyed the book. Some reactions and points made: Mrs. Whignam said that it was important for the girls to see that there are ways to cope with one’s problems outside of just leaning on other people. This is so important as girls often think they need a boyfriend or even a best friend to be able to cope. Reading about how the girl coped with a crush that led to frustration and other issues such as moving were very helpful. The kids commented that it was cool that ‘she’, the girl, figured out a way to remember the best of herself as she grew up. (That involves a mystery in The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything), so I can’t give it away.

The girls felt sorry for the girl and saw her mom as ‘rude’ in that she didn’t always listen to her. We discussed how important it is for adults to listen to kids!

As far as the next book, they wanted to know the title in the series. I told them but also that it is a secret. So…..I’m afraid I can’t tell you yet. But they loved it and want to see the girl continue with the ‘drama’ of growing up as they put it. They discussed how they see their lives as involving conflicts between friends -good friends one minute and enemies the next. Also issues with parents, school, crushes, problems and they want to see the ‘girl’ go through those things also. We talked about her having some weight issues in the next book and all agreed that is a good subject to have her deal with.

It was great to ‘be’ with these girls in Iowa. I hope they will write to me on the blog and stay in touch. They were great!

When Your Daughter is on the Brink of Womanhood

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30aI enjoy the company of my two nieces; while one is just two, the other is almost 9 now, an age that has made her mom a bundle of nerves. The “tweens” as these years between 8 and 13 are called, has replaced the teens of a few decades ago. Parents of teenagers were in a constant state of anxiety, wondering how to get them through these troubled years without too big a problem. Today, parents have to begin to worry a few years earlier, when their kids are in their tweens.

As far as I can judge, my niece is a well-adjusted child, even though she does throw the occasional tantrum that has mom and daughter up in arms against each other. But in a year or so, the tiffs between the two are going to get worse, over issues like makeup, clothes, and yes, boys. It’s one of life’s pleasures when you’re blessed with a baby girl, but someone ought to ask God to help the moms magically get through the rough tween and teen years.

Television and shows like Hannah Montana and High School Musical are not doing too much to help either. In fact, they’re in a way responsible for inducing young girls to go in for spray tans, facials, highlights, massages and other beauty treatments at beauty salons. Besides this, there’s the pressure from peers that makes all young girls want to look as grownup as possible (little do they realize that in a decade or so, they’re going to be spending all their time trying to look as young as possible).

The problems parents face as their little girls grow up have a lot to do with the way a woman’s body and physiology are designed. They undergo both physical and emotional changes, and combined with the plethora of “cool” things that are suddenly accessible (like makeup, grownup clothes, boys, and in worst cases, drugs and alcohol), they pack quite a punch for a young mind. It’s hard to remain rational and mature when all your friends are doing it. It’s hard not to succumb to peer pressure and refuse to go along with your friends, not when you’re trying to fit in and be popular.

Parents have to deal with these sensitive issues in a way that’s mature and patient. Very often, they have to draw the line somewhere and put down some ground rules, something that’s extremely hard to do when your daughter is in a rebellious phase. They also have to talk about sex with their daughters – it’s best they learn about it from you because they’ll be able to come to you with any questions they may have as the years go by.

It’s tough, but close-knit families with a sense of values manage to make it through these turbulent times. And they do it by being there for their daughters even if things go horribly wrong; they do it being supportive and not saying “I told you so”; they do it by understanding their children even when they err.

That is the key to getting through the “growing up” years, especially when you have a daughter – understanding and patience.

By-line:

This article is written by Kat Sanders. She welcomes your comments and questions at her email address: katsanders25@gmail.com.

Martha Trowbridge, inspirational writer, and I discuss some of the basic issues around these formative years

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I thought it would be fun to share with you some of my audio shows about kids, tweens and teens. Let’s start of with the first podcast from Kids, Tweens and Teens, A Positive Psychologist Looks at all Three! In this show, Martha Trowbridge, inspirational writer, and I discuss some of the basic issues around these formative

June 30, 2008 – Dr. Holstein and Martha Trowbridge, inspirational writer for women, discuss Happiness as it relates to girls, tween, teens and women.

A RECIPE for a Happy Child must include some very special Ingredients

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You wouldn’t back a special wedding cake without a recipe.  So way think you can bring up a child and have her flourish without a good recipe that really works?  As a psychologist, I can say the surest RECIPE that I have found is passed on the Seven Gateways to Happiness.  Here are some of the special INGREDIENTS that you will need as you help you daughter walk through the Gateways of Happiness.

The first ingredient is:

1: Lots of reinforcement for the kid’s talents, interests and potential. Without reinforcement from you, probably the most important adult in her life, she cannot validate her talents, strengths, interests and potential just on her own.  Kids are developed enough emotionally or intellectually to sort through all of their feelings and reactions to their own experiences.  They need the parent, grandparent, and/or teacher to help them in this sorting.  The girl may enjoy a ten week course in playing the flute.  But recognizing whether she loves the flute enough to now take expensive lessons maybe be something you have to help her with.  Maybe she like variety and to try a lot of new things.  That is just as valid an interest as a willingness and need to focus on one thing and master it.

I’ll be back with the SECOND INGREDIENT in RAISING A HAPPY CHILD  soon.