The Girl Inside

For those grown-ups reading this blog: Do you realize that it is the ‘girl’ inside of you as an adult woman, who is your clue, not only to the real you, but to your energy bank of all the positive deposits that can still be withdrawn in your life now. These deposits have within them the sparks of emotional, physical and spiritual energy that you need to move forward to enjoy a meaningful fun life …

Now, do you want to know more about the ‘girl’ inside of you and how to access her?

Also, do you want to know more about how to help your daughters to keep their positive energy alive as they grow up, so their self-esteem will stay strong and their zest for life will be terrific?

That’s what my life work is all about. Give me the an age of a girl or a woman and I can teach the same steps to help her either keep or get back the zest for life and the love of herself that she deserves!

Here are some simple steps to get you or your daughter started:

Take paper and pen and list:

1. What you perceive to be your talents. Not what others tell you. For example, you may know you have a talent to get people in a better mood.

2. List your strengths. Again, not necessarily what others say. For instance, you know that you can think of new solutions to a problem even when others are ready to give up.

3. List your untapped potential. Go for this one. Dream on. Think about early hopes and longings and things you wanted to do. Don’t worry if it doesn’t seem to make sense now. A dream to be a ballet dancer can get reinvented as a person who enjoys square dancing or walking in the sand.

Now circle one item that seems to me the most to you from each list.

Play with how you could use all three items (one from each list) or just one or two to further your happiness over the next year.

Remember PLAY right now in your mind. This is not an exam or scary. Let the creative spark come alive and watch it dance.

You will be amazed. I’ll be back with more!

Valentine’s Day Can be Awful or Wonderful!

Sometimes as parents or teachers or grand moms we forget the pain and suffering that go with certain milestones in growing up.  One of those milestones is Valentine’s Day.  In America we celebrate the day with fervor and make a lot out of it.  I remember in elementary school it was very important to me that my mother let me buy packages of Valentine’s for the whole class.  Some years they were finished Valentine’s and some years I had to punch them out of the paper that held them.  And some were more personal than others with cute sayings.  I would have a method to my madness and of course my closest friends got the most pretty and personal cards.  I supposed most of the kids had the same method.  And there in lay the first potential trauma of that day.  Would my best friend Lynne, send me one of her best?  I would only know once the Valentine Box had been opened and some lucky child was picked to be the first person to hand out Valentine’s.  That was a treat also.  Sometimes I was chosen, but often not.  It only took 4 or 5 children to get them all passed out.  I was only at peace that day when I opened my Valentine’s and felt remembered.
 
My video is here to remind all of us grown-ups that children have very deep and powerful feelings.  The Girl had a crush which even made her feelings more dramatic on Valentine’s Day.  Not all girls and tweens have crushes.  But still be sensitive to the fact that the girls in your life may take Valentine’s Day very seriously.  Here are a couple of suggestions to whether the day:
 
1.  Make sure you have remember her in a way that she will feel very special. 
 
2.  Be sensitive to her feelings as the day approaches.  Maybe share your own memories about the Holiday.
 
3.  Ask her if you can help her in any way.  Maybe she would love to make cookies or fudge for her special friends and you can have some fun in the kitchen together!
 
Most of all, make sure she knows that she is Your Valentine! 
 
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein

HOLIDAY STRESS-Yes, Girls, Tweens and Teens Feel It Too!

The Holiday Season is beautiful and we all hold on to some precious memories that go with the season.  But the Holiday Season is also stressful.  As adults, we often live an exhausted life of lists and obligations that go with the season.  For some women, particularly moms with children living at home, an exhausting month is finally finished off by little sleep and the patter of little feet very early on Christmas morning.  Even for those of us that celebrate simply or observe other traditions, such as Chanakah, the frenzy builds.  Nobody wants to forget someone they should have remembered with a card, a present or a phone call.  And most of us have certain favorite foods that go with the season.  That means extra calories, an outfit that suddenly doesn’t fit right, or the tug of war with the latest batch of Christmas cookies sitting in the kitchen.  And we know who usually wins!  (The Cookies)
 
What some of us forget is that the kids have stress also.  Particularly in harder times, like now, kids worry about how the season will go down for them and often for their families.  Kids hear, know and feel a lot more than we give them credit for.  If your family is having money problems, whether you tell them or not, they are most likely aware of the problems.  If you and your husband are in disagreement over how to do the holidays, even if you argue behind closed doors, your daughter will be aware of the tension.  Some here are a couple of suggestions to lower the stress for your kids:
 
1.  Have a honest, but not overly dramatic or discouraging talk about this year’s decisions around present giving. If everyone will be receiving, say half of what they got two years ago, be honest about it.  Discuss this openly and maybe agree on what gifts are the most important for an older child or a teen.  If say your daughter really wants an item that is twice what you can afford, see if there is a way to figure out the purchase.  Perhaps it can be for both Christmas and her birthday, plus she can take on a chore in the family for a few months that may help you out or even cut some expenses for you. 
 
2.  Also, have an honest chat about what you will do and not do for the Holidays.  If you are not buying a big tree this year, let them know early so they won’t be disappointed.  Perhaps it is the year for a family evening of making home made decorations and stringing popcorn trim?  That can be a lot of fun.  Also, kids are very creative and if they know that a food budget for a big Christmas gathering must be slimmed down, they will come up with ideas to help do that.  For example, they may be willing to bake or help you cook more from scratch, as that usually costs less than packaged foods. 
 
In summary, the important thing kids need is to feel in the loop of making decisions about the Holidays and presents and that they have something of value to offer the family either in terms of ideas or actions.
 
If you can help them feel valuable and in the loop and make clear that you want a great Holiday also, you will find yourself under less stress and for sure you daughter will feel even better about herself than she expected!
 
Happy Holidays!

Growing Up Isn’t Easy!

In The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) the girl talks, at times, about not wanting to grow up.

Feelings about not wanting to grow up are common and often not discussed, as kids realize that most of the time parents expect them to want to grow up.

We as adults have often forgotten about how hard it is to move into adolescence. The bodily changes alone, are overwhelming. How many of us suffered with pimples, anxieties about getting our period, and all sorts of other issues? Just about all of us, although these issues may seem very far away now. I remember some mood swings that seemed to come out of the blue when I was 11. Hormones raging through my body, I’m sure didn’t help.

We have to be compassionate and helpful to those young ladies in our lives who are transitioning. Giving advise, and sharing about our own ups and downs as we moved through those years can take the pressure off a lot of what is happening.

The girl in The Truth realizes there are some great things about not being a grown-up yet. For example, she doesn’t have to earn a living. She can focus most of her attention on herself, her school work and other interests. Later in life it is harder to focus on ourselves. Multi-tasking takes over and there is little time for self-development.

At the same time, it is for most of us, a blessing to be part of a family of some sort, and to have a chance to participate in raising children. It is often exciting to work at a job and to have the power to make decisions about the course of our lives.

So really, all stages of life have their benefits and their losses. If we can stay light hearted as we see some of the pluses and minuses and keep a sense of humor, we can have such fun talking to kids about our stage of life as well as listening to the successes and frustrations that our kids feel about their lives.

The simple message is: Keep sharing. Your daughter will grow up even if she doesn’t want to for the moment. Don’t panic. Keep talking and sharing. Laugh and cuddle. Spend time together and give her your wisdom. But…make sure your don’t block out hers! She has wisdom also! Enjoy listening to it.

Helping Your Daughter To Be Less Nervous About Starting a New School Year

Starting a new school year, whether your daughter is returning to a school building she has gone to before, or you have moved and all is new for her, can be very upsetting. You may find your daughter nervous, perhaps tearful, not sleeping well or wishing she could go to a different school or even not go to school. Here are some ideas to help your daughter adjust:

Reassure her that it is normal to be nervous before we start anything new, even if we have done the same routines in the past. Tell her that you realize that sixth grade is not fifth grade, etc. and that you are on her side.

If you have moved or she will be changing schools, she may also be upset that she is leaving behind a best friend, or several good friends. See what you can do to make this transition less painful.

Maybe you can invite over some of her old friends for a pizza supper, or transport her back to where you did live so she can visit these friends.

At the very least, encourage her to stay in touch with them.

Also let her know that she will make new friends. It just takes time.

If you had something similar happen to you when you were growing up, take the time to share your story with her.

Try to get in touch with the feelings she may have. She probably feels lonely and/or jealous that her old friends may have new friends already to share with. These are very human feelings and you can do her a great service by sharing feelings you have had at times growing up and how they were resolved.

You daughter may also be scared that the work this year will be too hard for her. If she has already started school and complains it is too hard sit down with her and see what she is referring to.

Sometimes a child is correct and may need your help to go into school with her and sit down with her teacher or guidance counselor to see if the work is on the right level for her. Take her seriously. Even if she is exaggerating, remember it feels real to her for now.

Being your daughter’s ally can really help her. She doesn’t have the perspective we have as grown-ups to know that things feel strange when they are new. Help her understand that we are resilient to most situations and after awhile she will feel herself again and also feel relaxed and at ease in her new environment.

And best of all, with all of the above, by being your daughter’s ally, the two of you will grow even closer as you show you really care and you take the time to talk to her.

Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, Positive Psychologist and author of The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) is the radio guest on Chaklet Coffee Books.

I loved being on the Chaklet Coffee Books show. It is amazing how much fun we all had late at night! We got to discuss The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) in detail, and so many related subjects about parenting, growing up, having a crush, etc. It was so delightful to have a 10 year old girl also on the show who had read the book with her Grandma-just what I recommend!

Click link below to listen to show!
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/chaklet-cof…
http://bit.ly/8S3PAK

Why as a positive psychologist I chose to write fiction: The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything)

11aLots of time people ask me why I started to write fiction as a positive psychologist. It is a good question. I started writing fiction because I wish to communicate information about how to grow up safe and strong to kids and their parents in a way that they can HEAR me. Lots of time we have great information to share, but nobody takes it in. Why? Sometimes it is too dry, sometimes the timing is off, sometimes it is the speaker”s manner. So to avoid all of those potential set-backs I have chosen fiction. The information is not dry! It is exciting and yet familiar to all of us. All of us were 10, 11 and 12 once. I don”t use my voice, but the voice of a girl who we fall in love with from the first page when she talks about her crush. And I know the timing is right, as every year their are millions of kids getting a year older who have universal concerns about their feelings, their friendships, crushes, bullying, home life, etc.

Let”s take a look at The Truth (I”m a girl, I”m smart and I know everything):
Feeling safe to communicate feelings and thoughts, no matter how personal and/or negative, rather than acting them out, is very important in child and adolescent development.

vThe Truth helps move girls, tweens, teens and their families closer to honest communicating. Every page brings to light feelings and thoughts so universal in nature that almost any page can be used to stimulate family members moving toward a more honest and open place with each other.

v The Truth gives a platform for kids to work through negative feelings about conflict and gives parents a new way of seeing conflict from the vantage point of how it affects their kids.

vThe Truth helps to prevent “mean girls” from developing by showing tweens how to express feelings using words, rather than anger or violence.

v The Truth helps girls see that they are not alone, by being able to so easily identify with the “girl” who is sharing her most personal feelings and thoughts with them directly, via diary form. If Mom also reads The Truth and shares more of her thoughts and feelings while also listening to her daughter”s “real” voice, than a family correction will be made and indeed, the girl will be less alone

vThe Truth also helps kids come to terms with growing up in a less than perfect world. The “girl” is able to do this using many skills that the reader can emulate, such as finding ways to hold on to the best of herself, even as she comes to terms with a world and a set of parents that are less than perfect.

The Truth (I'm a girl, I'm smart and I know everything) comes to the Manasquan School Book Clubs for Fifth and Sixth Grade Girls


I had such a marvelous time with both groups of girls. These are great Book Clubs that meet at lunchtime. The guidance counselor opens each meeting with the following: The Truth is….and then she and the girls go around and fill in what is the truth for them over the last few weeks. This time Ms. Sanders was talking about the truth being how great she felt being away on vacation. The girls also had many truths about vacation, some good, some a bit disappointing. But that is the nature of vacations. Not all of them live up to our hopes and dreams. And that is the truth!

Then we went on to talk about The Truth (I”m a girl, I”m smart and I know everything). In each group a page was read aloud and discussed. In one group we discussed the Book Club that the girl and her friends start in the book.

What was really fun for me as a psychologist and an educator was what the girls would like to see in the next book-the sequel to The Truth and what they would like changed. Come back tomorrow for that information.

“The highlight of our book club meeting was a visit by the author of our book selection, The Truth, by Dr. Barbara Holstein. The girls were able to share and discuss areas of the book that inspired them most. They told her how and why certain parts of the book impacted them. The author invited the girls to ask her questions about her writing experience and whether or not the book was autobiographical. She then asked the girls for suggestions for her next book. They recommended many issues that they felt needed to be addressed for their age group.

What a great experience for our girls! I am sure we have several future writers among them!”

Millie Sollecito Ed.D.
Student Assistance Counselor
Manasquan Elementary School
msollecito@manasquanboe.org