Anyone raising a child realizes how exhausting and difficult it can be to be a parent. At every stage of development there are problems: How to potty train?; separation anxiety starting school; nightmares; siblings fighting; poor eating habits; whining; loss of a pet; getting adjusted to a new school; bullying; friend drama; etc.

But perhaps nothing equals some of the anxiety, rage and panic a parent can have once her child reaches being a tween and then a teen. Looming in front of her are all the reports on drugs, drinking, overdoses, suicides, guns, constant social media, YIKES.

And now it is holiday time. Parties, presents, time off from school. How can we stay alert to tween and teen danger this time of year?

1. Never to late to sit down with your tween and teen and go over the rules of your home. That can include among your unique rules such as shoes off at the front door, more general rules such as curfew hours, chores, cell phone usage, keeping you up to date on where your child is, money constraints, etc.

2. Rules are great but you don’t have to stop with the formality of the do’s and don’ts. It is a perfect time to talk about values and issues. Tell your tween or teen what your values are around such things as alcohol, drugs, sex, vulgar language, etc. Don’t be afraid, they want to know what you think about serious matters. And make sure you are clear about what is legal in your state. If the drinking age is 21, or even 18, if she is 17 and invited to have a beer at someone’s home, there is only one clear answer. “No, thank you.”

3. Most important is to help your tween or teen understand that you are on their side. No matter what tight spot they may find themselves in, they can always call upon you for help and guidance. Yes, you may be angry and at times even have to ‘act like a parent’ and yell or insist on things going a certain way, but it all comes from love and having taken on the responsibility of helping your child grow up to be a wonderful adult.

Take a look at this film clip from ‘Help From Beyond, A Coming of Age, Selfie Film’. https://vimeo.com/247253509 I directed, wrote and am now creating the finished product. It spins off of my two books for girls, tweens and teens: The Truth, Diary of a Gutsy Tween and Secrets, Diary of a Gutsy Teen. In this scene the girl has gone to a party where there is drinking. Her mother is furious but also concerned. Can you relate to this scene? Feel free to share your thoughts.

Imagine this: Your teenage daughter is at a party. You thought the parents were home, but later find out they were out part of the evening. During their absence, a bully threatens your under age daughter who by this time is feeling sick from drinking too many beers and is in the bathroom, leaning over the toilet. The bully, a girl she has had intimidate her before, walks in and threatens that if she doesn’t take this pill she hands her, she will make sure that your daughter looses her friends. A terrible situation. Right? Unbelievable? No. In fact, teens endure various combinations of being bullied all the time. Nowadays bullies are more blatant, hurtful and dangerous that a generation or two ago.

Why you may ask. The answer is complicated. Certainly one reason is that social media makes it possible to bully someone 24/7. This means that there is no real down time for kids. Many often they feel watched and talked about even during the night.

In this film clip https://vimeo.com/269770320 you see the bathroom bully played by Rachel Gesner and the girl, thankfully not your daughter, played by Megan Brown. Let’s imagine ahead a bit. Even if the girl figures out a way not to swallow the pill, by morning she may find that many of her friends have taken sides, due to the bully reports on social media. Perhaps some side with the bully. The girl may wake up to find herself isolated socially. Once out there, reputations can be damaged no matter how far from the truth the supposed ‘truth’ is.

What do you think ‘the girl’ in the film clip does? Does she swallow the drug?

What happens later? Does the ‘bully’ do anything else to her or does she believe
‘the girl’ swallows the drug and lets her off the hook this time?

What can any of us do to help our kids, whether our child or grandchild is the bully or the good kid?

Here are some suggestions:

1. Help your child recognize that she is special. Praise talents and encourage real strengths. Help her appreciate their heritage, and share with her your history, mistakes, successes and positive values. Make little of her failings whenever possible.

2. Help her develop her talents, strengths and potential. Maybe no one in your family wanted to play the oboe, but she wishes to and hates sports. Listen to what works for her or her and help on that path. There are plenty of other kids who can do whatever your child would prefer not to.

3. Spend time with her everyday. Get to know her friends. If your home can be a place for kids to come and relax at it will give you a great window into your daughter’s reality.

4. Spend private conversational time with her where you can ask about bullying, how school is going, her concerns, etc.

5. If she is having a problem with another girl or several kids stay on top of the situation. Ask her if she wants you to intercede or not. If she can handle it great. But stay on top of the situation and make clear you will intercede if necessary. After all, you are the parent. You are her protector and that must be honored by both of you.