Here is a Page From The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) that has only appeared in the Chinese Edition of the Book!

We get about three hours of homework a night. I hate having so much work to do at home. I can’t stand it. I can hardly play outside anymore. I can’t ride my bike or roller skate, either. It is awful.
Sometimes I get in such a bad mood that I stand up on my bed and jump up and down like a wild woman. And then I hold my breath and just feel so angry inside.
My mother tells me to stop. Yesterday she got really scared cause I wouldn’t stop and I kept holding my breath on and off.
She went to the telephone and called her friend who is a nurse and asked her what to do. I got really scared when I heard her say that it would be ok for Jane to come over. I didn’t want her friend to see me being that crazy.
I got off my bed and stopped.
My mom called out to me, “Are you ok? Does Jane need to come over?”
I said, “I’m alright. I don’t want her to come over.”
So she didn’t. Then I just started to cry and cry and my mom held me. My brother looked frightened and ran outside. My mom didn’t even care about him. She just cuddled me and told me it would be alright.
She even told me that she and my father would go in to school and talk to the teacher and see why there is so much homework. And she would write me a note so that I could just go to bed tonight and not finish the homework. She also told me that Jane said that girls my age are very sensitive and can get upset really easily.
She really made me feel better. I felt tired and miserable from all the crying but I wasn’t so angry anymore.
I love my mother so much. She is so good to me, even though I know she hates me practicing my violin. And that’s the truth.

TOP THREE BASIC WAYS GRAND PARENTS CAN HELP GRAND CHILDREN TO GROW UP TO BE GOOD CITIZENS!

Who has the time to focus on a child’s emotional and developmental needs? Certainly oftentimes not the parent. Most parents are frazzled, living on the edge of exhaustion and deep into multi-tasking. Parents are of course responsible for all the basics that a child needs. They provide the housing, the trips to the pediatrician, the late night soothing after a bad dream, the trips to the mall for school clothing, and most of the daily needs that children have, such as getting a ride to school, and sitting at the table for dinner.

But who has the time for the magical moment with a child? Who has the time to really listen to what she is saying and even write it down, next to a digital picture of the moment when it was said? Probably not the child’s mom or dad. And who has the time to help her develop the social and intellectual skills she really will need to be a good citizen?

Most likely it will be the grandparent. That is, if you realize how important you are, and you take the time to step up to the plate. It is you who can have the magical moments with your grandchild-find those flowers to press and start the rock collection and sit in the window seat chatting about how it was to grow up long ago. And in grabbing those magical moments you do something else. You will be doing a great service to the next generation. You will be helping them grow in three basic ways that no one else in the world may have the time or patience to attend to. Here they are:

1.You can help her develop her curiosity. Nothing stirs the mind to be curious than someone else so fascinated by a subject that you just have to learn more. You have the time to be fascinated and to pass that feeling along. For example, just learning how to grow tomatoes in a barrel can be interesting and exciting for both you and your grandchild. Or you could have a neighbor that speaks in sign language and be determined to learn some. And that curiosity that you have will rub off on your grandchild. She will be interested in others as she grows up. She will see the world as a multi-faceted marvelous place that you have helped her notice!

2. You can help your grandchild develop her intellect. Whether you live around the corner or thousands of miles away, you can send your grandchild books, interesting articles, puzzles, games, etc. And you can make sure that when you are with her you teach her lots of stuff. You can discuss the news, find countries on the globe, play word and number games, read plays aloud. All is good for developing the mind and expanding the mind so that your grandchild will think beyond her direct environment.

3. You can help your grandchild develop her social skills. You have the time to teach her manners-how to set a table. How to open a door for grown-ups. You can take her out to eat, even if it is at the local diner. And you can teach her how to read a menu, eat with intention and enjoyment, make good conversation as she eats, etc. You can teach her how to ballroom dance. Or maybe square dance. You can take her to meet your friends or to do good needs. She can help you at the local food canteen or socialize with your friends.

And what is the result? Your grand child will grow up to be a fine, caring, knowledgeable person with a desire to help others and be able to socialize with people of all ages. Not a bad accomplishment!

Seven Ways that Grandparents Can Help Their Grandchildren Grow up Strong, Safe and Happy:

1. First of all, stay in touch with your grandchildren, so you have a good baseline on their personalities and development. If you live apart then rely on all the modern world has to offer: e-mailing, phoning and faxing, Skype, home video’s, photographs, shared family blogs and of course snail mail. Not only will you be ready to help if there is something ‘up’ with a grandchild, but you will have such fun communicating and being part of their world.

2. Help each child feel special. For example you could create scrapbooks of special moments for each child on special occasions, such as a milestone birthday. The scrapbook can contain your thoughts and wishes for the child as well as photo’s, special souvenirs saved from times spent together, and even family history. Each scrapbook can be very different, reflecting the needs and interests of a particular child.

3. Whether you see your grand kids every week or every three years, make sure you spend some alone time with each child. It is amazing how differently kids share themselves and even their hopes, dreams and secrets when the other siblings, or parents are not around. If you can’t do much, even a slow walk around the block will lead to good fun and a better knowledge of your grandchild.

4. Now that you have the relationship going well, it is time to become very observant. Do you see any strange or unusual habits developing? Or do you see some social changes? These could include everything from an eye twitch to excessive crying, bullying of a sibling, spending too much alone time in her room, a change in friends that gives you some concerns, or maybe too few friends. It could also include such things as becoming a very picky eater or suddenly putting on a lot of weight.

5. If there are changes as noted above, don’t react with drama or accusations. That is sure to set your own child off, and perhaps close the door to your visits and also, perhaps, perpetuate a bad situation so it will become worse. Rather, talk gently and with care and in private to your child. Perhaps say something like, ” I notice that Janet seems to spend a lot of time a lone this summer. I don’t see Anna belle and Susie come around anymore. I was just curious about this.” And then let your own grown child have some time to respond. She may appear indifferent or she may open up and share her own concerns. Your granddaughter will be best served if follow your own daughter’s lead and see where it goes. It may be painful, as you wish to change everything at once for your granddaughter. Sometimes we can only plant the seed and long after your visit you will find out that your granddaughter is indeed in counseling or working with the school guidance counselor in a peer group for social issues.

6. However, if you see a real crisis, then you have every right as family to be persistent and direct. For example, if you hear your granddaughter throwing up in the bathroom after meals, you should speak with authority (again in private) to your daughter, that she must take your granddaughter in for a medical exam. Eating disorders are real and potentially even fatal. You have a responsibility to react strongly.

Likewise, if you see one of your grand kids bullying and or physically punching, pushing hard, etc. on a younger sibling again and again, talk to your own child seriously. First of all, it is dangerous. Your older grandchild could hurt the younger one both physically and emotionally. Secondly, he could have his own emotion problems that need attention. Lastly, he could be a bully in the making and will also intimidate and hurt other children in the school yard, on the street, in the school hallways, etc.

7. Lastly, remember to share yourself with your grand kids. Just because everyone today has a cell phone, doesn’t mean the kids aren’t fascinated by the fact that your had one phone in your house when you grew up, or that the family of six drivers shared one beat up car or that you got up at 6:00 am for your paper route through town. Maybe you even had a doctor that still made house calls when someone was suddenly ill! It is the richness of your history along with your wisdom and willingness to push for the health and happiness of your grand kids that make you a great grandparent. Don’t give up your assignment! The kids need you!~

“Feeling Special and Talented are Gifts All of Us Deserve”, according to Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, Positive Psychologist and Author of The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything).

“I think everything I make is a master piece!” These words were spoken by Cecelia who is a fashion designer. What makes her particularly unique is that she is 10 years old. She has been designing since she was 6.

When I saw Cecelia on television a couple of months ago, talking about her passion, sewing her creations, and then saw other children wearing the clothing, I was amazed and impressed. It was fascinating to see her in a fabric store picking the fabrics for her clothing. She clutched a bolt of fabric, saying “I can’t live without that piece of fabric.” She now has Trunk shows in exclusive stores and is often busy sewing her clothing for other girls her age. Truthfully I loved her clothes and could even imagine liking them for myself in a big enough size. It is unusual to find people of any age so connected and centered to a passion. It is extremely unusual at 10.

Obviously Cecelia has been able to recognize and hold on to her talents and potential. And as they say, behind every great King is a great Queen. Well, behind Cecelia, must be parents who are guiding, encouraging and helping her with her talents.

What can Cecelia teach the rest of us? Certainly not that every kid must have a talent that makes them famous. Rather she reminds us all the living our dreams, doing what feels really significant to us, is a gift we should all try to get to at some point in our lives. Why? Because it makes us feel whole. We are useful to society and we thrive. These are but some of the good reasons. And how do we get there? And when?

These are big questions and not so easy to answer. But we do know that the ways we parents are critically important. Here are some guidelines:

1. Recognize and help your child to recognize her talents, strengths, coping skills, interests and of course potential.
2. Never say never to a dream of hers, (unless it is harmful). If she can’t take ice skating lessons this year because of money, leave the door open for next year. Help her figure out a way to make sure it happens by next year. Perhaps she can get a scholarship. Perhaps you can offer your services, whether making phone calls, or baking cookies or cleaning the waiting room for parents, in lieu of payment. Get on your thinking cap and try.
3. Bring interesting information and ideas into your household. Encourage good use of time. Collecting rocks or leaves or anything can lead to a science discussion or a fascination into the ways of nature. A family walk can be meaningful, healthy and leave everyone in a good mood. Always stay alert so you are opening your child’s mind and senses to the positive dimensions of being alive.

Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, author of Secrets: You Tell Me Yours and I’ll Tell You Mine…maybe, comments on the New York Times article, Online Bullies Pull Schools Into the Fray

The girl in Secrets: You Tell me Yours and I”ll Tell You Mine…maybe! has to deal with a lot of stuff. She has to adjust to a new middle school, leaving behind all her friends. She has family problems and issues. No one really understands her and she worries about keeping her best friend. And on top of that she has a crush that seems to be going nowhere.

But one thing she doesn”t have to worry night and day about is serious and potentially dangerous bullying. That is because she lives thirty years ago, when many of us parents grew up. She lives with telephones and television. Can you remember those days? Remember when a tiny note rolled up and passed along in class could be devastating? Or someone changing tables in the cafeteria as you sat down could be a message that hurt for months? These sorts of events were awful and you may have cried yourself to sleep on several occasions.

But just magnify that by 1000 and you get closer to what today”s kids have to deal with. The New York Times article brilliantly outlines the typical nightmares that many kids of today face and also the difficulties that schools have in curbing much of it. After all, schools of today, just as 30 years ago, can”t control what happens after school or on the weekend.

As a psychologist and school psychologist I take very seriously what is happening to today”s kids. Parents and schools need to respond and act, not just react. Here are some tips for you as a parent:

You, as a parent, are on the front lines of your child”s development. That means:

Making yourself available to your child at meals, in the car, in the evening when possible, and on the weekends. Here is how:

Basic Rule: Don”t use cell phones, phones, or computers when your child is expecting and may need connection, help, advice or simply love from you.

Will this be a big change for you? Maybe. But it is essential. Research shows and we can figure this out for ourselves, kids don”t like it when their parents are only giving them partial concentration.

Ways to start: Don”t talk on your cell in the car anymore when your child is with you. Also, it will make you also a safer driver.

Don”t bring any cell phones, etc. to the dinner table with you.

Don”t answer the phone during mealtime, unless an emergency is going on.

Make sure you have meals with your kid at least three nights a week.

In the evening when kids need help with homework, etc. try reading a book or doing any project that you can instantly turn away from as you go in and out of their space.

Plan weekend time as a family. During that time, whether it is a picnic or visiting a relative, set aside only brief times when any of you can use technology. Try talking, laughing, telling jokes, reminiscing. These things have worked for centuries!

I”ll be back with more tips. Remember, the child you are protecting is your own! It is worth the effort.

Here are some of the messages that a mother, aunt, grandmother, teacher can take and use from Secrets: You Tell Me Yours and I’ll Tell You Mine…Maybe.

1) This girl’s first crush was Paul. Crushes feel very real at any age and you shouldn’t be made to feel silly or like it is trivial that you have a crush.

2) The girl discovered early on that she didn’t like it when her parents fight. She’s decided when she grows up she won’t fight over silly things with her husband.

3) Things like a special locket from a favorite aunt can mean a lot to a kid. Grown-ups should try to recognize harder how important they really are in a kid’s life and do nice things with and for them.

4) Moving is really hard. But the grown-ups in a kid’s life can help so much by making things seem as normal as possible, like when the girl’s father took them all out to a local movie a few days after they moved and they had lots of fun.

5) Growing up is hard. Parents shouldn’t walk away when kids try to talk. It is hard enough to get up the courage to ask a question or share feelings. It feels awful when the grown-up is ‘too busy’ or looks preoccupied.

Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein on Holistic Children Radio

Come and check out Holistic Children Radio where I talk about THE ENCHANTED SELF: Truth for Mothers and Daughters. I share a lot about positive psychology and of course about The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything). Click Here

The Truth and Secrets

I am adamant about helping girls grow up strong and sure of themselves. The Truth Series and now the second book in the series: SECRETS: You tell me yours and I”ll tell you mine… maybe, is my way of addressing some of the dysfunctional messages we all absorb in one way or another growing up. Girls can not always free themselves of the dysfunction that may create damaging messages in their lives. But they can be taught to recognize how special they are and given ways to hold on to the best of themselves. That is what I am busy doing, via fiction, in The Truth (I”m a girl, I”m smart and I know everything) and now SECRETS.

Dr. Holstein, positive psychologist reveals an excerpt from her new book SECRETS

I thought you might like to read an excerpt from the second book in The Truth Series which is due out later this week on Amazon. As soon as I have a link to purchase the book for you I will send out an announcement. In this book, SECRETS: You tell me yours, and I’ll tell you mine…Maybe! the girl is now 13. The family has moved and a whole series of events, dilemmas and occasions to experience the ups and downs of growing up are about to emerge. Here is how the book starts:

June 27

I can’t believe it. Today we moved and I feel like I’m in a dream. I just keep walking around our new house and wondering when we will go home. It feels so different and strange. The floors are all bare wood. Everything is on one floor. It’s called a ranch house, I don’t know why. My mother said our rugs would look terrible here so she let the people who bought our house keep them. I think she was right. They’re a dark maroon and the walls are a light cream in this house. I don’t think that would look good.

I went to the bathroom three times since we got here and every time I used a different bathroom. I can’t believe it. Three different toilets in the same house! Only my friend Susan, my rich friend, has more than two bathrooms. And now we do. I keep measuring the living room. Would you believe it’s 27 feet by 15 feet? I used my own feet and added a few inches each time I took a step.

When I look out of the windows I expect to see the shrubs and the Hudson house to my left and I don’t. Instead I see a big open field that will probably have houses on it by next year. That’s what my father said. And when I look out to the right I expect to see our clothesline and the Dixon’s driveway. Instead I see rose bushes and a wooden bench, under a tree, that the last owners said we could have.

We had to eat supper off paper plates and use wooden throw-away forks, knives and spoons because our boxes are still packed. My aunt made us a big picnic hamper of food and that’s what we ate for supper.

My brother already started to play with a kid next door who’s about a year older than he is. He’s so lucky. I have no one yet and that’s the truth!

Can you feel for the girl as she is suddenly in new surroundings?

Did you ever move growing up?

Do you remember how you felt?

What do you think she wants most to happen and soon? Hint: Look at the last paragraph.

What are some of the things you think might happen to her this year?

Please write to me on www.thetruthforgirls.com or at drbarbara@enchantedself.com