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THE FIRST THREE GATEWAYS TO HAPPINESS AND HOW THEY AFFECT TEN YEAR OLD GIRLS, part 2
And now a brief look at The Third Gateway to Happiness for Girls
The Third Gateway to Happiness for Girls is getting your needs met. For this 10 year old, in the best of all circumstances, she gets help with she needs, in school by a teacher who understands her, by her parents who help her learn how to negotiate hundreds of tasks and who reinforce her capacities, and by other people in her world who love or care for her and help her learn all sorts of things that she needs to learn at this age.
In other words she is thriving as she lives in an atmosphere that clearly helps her grow. For example, let’s say she wants to take piano lessons. Don’t forget, she loves art and music. Her parents find a way help her take lessons. That may mean getting a second-hand piano and enrolling her in group lessons if money is tight. It may mean a beautiful new piano and the best teacher in town. But whatever the circumstances, at least her needs are met minimally, if not to the max. This is important with kids, as kids don’t always have an endless window for a particular activity, interest or talent. If parents and schools fail to reinforce the child when she is ‘hot’ for dance or science or even becoming a girl scout, the moment may pass and never come around again.
Looking at the consequences of not providing The Three Gatways to Happiness to Our Girls
What if the child doesn’t get enough of what she needs? What if she isn’t helped to feel good about herself? What if she isn’t bolstered in the ways that encourage her building a positive sense of her own life? What if she isn’t taught how to meet her needs? What if no one helps her meet her needs at the age appropriate times?
She might, for example, be told things like, “You’re stupid,” or “You don’t have any talent,” or “You didn’t inherit any of the good traits that Aunt Belinda has.”
And in terms of the narrative of her life, she might be given messages such as, “You’ll never make it.” She might be told, “Don’t even try out for cheerleading. You’re too clumsy.” Or, “Don’t ever ask for those dance lessons again. We can’t pay for them.” And, of course, things could be even worse than that in terms of negative language.
Crippling can happen in the Third Gateway to Happiness also. “Play the piano? That’s for Sissies. Everyone in this family does sports.”
What does all this mean? Basically the message is simple. To thrive we need to be loved, cared for and listened as we grow up. Time is relevant as kids are always leaving one developmental stage and entering another. Each stage has a window of opportunity. Some windows come back, even if we miss them. Some don’t. So there are some basic rules of thumb when it comes to raising kids, that can be generalized from looking at ten year old girls:
- Teach them what they need to know without criticizing, belittling or namecalling.
- Listen to what they need to tell us about themselves, their interests, theirpassions, their wishes, their hopes. Hurt feelings are relevant, just as a teacher who may ignore a child’s efforts to be called on in class.
- Make sure their interests, talents, and potential are recognized in positiveways at home and beyond.
- Remember they are evolving. Piano lessons at 10 isn’t a clear indication of a future at Carnegie Hall. Still, treat all their positive interests with respect and hopefulness.
THE FIRST THREE GATEWAYS TO HAPPINESS AND HOW THEY AFFECT TEN YEAR OLD GIRLS, part 1
THE FIRST THREE GATEWAYS TO HAPPINESS AND HOW THEY AFFECT TEN YEAR OLD GIRLS
In The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m Smart and I Know Everything) the girl is 10. She is 10 for many psychological reasons. One is the importance of
understanding the critical development of girls around that age. One of the ways that I teach this critical stage of development for girls is through the lens of THE SEVEN GATEWAYS TO HAPPINESS. Let’s jump right in and examine the first three Gateways to Happiness in terms of the 10 year old girl.
The First Gateway to Happiness is around self-esteem and appreciating one’s own talents, strengths and potential.
This Gateway is similar for a woman of fifty, a man of 23 or for a girl of 10. She like all of us, needs a sense of well-being and to also feel good about who she is. She needs to feel that she has knows right from wrong, and that her life is purposeful. For adults this might mean a very deep understanding of one’s place in the world. For her it could be as simple as going to her fourth or fifth grade class, knowing what is expected of her, and knowing that she is capable of the work. It may also mean feeling good about herself in relationship to her friends. It may mean knowing she has a family that supports her, and a teacher that likes her. Also recognizing her interests and talents. For example, she may love art and music, and feel talented playing the flute, but not like basketball or hockey. She’s clear as to who she is.
She will also have some dreams. She may feel she has potential to become a writer or a skier or an Olympic champion in something, or that she wants to discover a way to stop global warming. Inside of her are dreams, hopes, aspirations.
Let’s see how the above ties into The Second Gateway to Happiness for Girls.
In this gateway, one is aware of the narrative of her life. We begin to see how our attributes all come together in who we are and how we behave. So, for example, for a girl of 10, she may have been told many time that she is very similar to Aunt Belinda. She knows that Aunt Belinda is a wonderful woman interests in art and music, just like she has. She also knows that Aunt Belinda always remembers her with beautiful presents and is absolutely so much fun to be with.
And so, for that little girl, she now has a story-line around her life. It is not set in stone but it works wonders for her at age 10. She is loved by a woman she adores and that woman is said to be like her. So she feels great about Aunt Belinda and she also feels great about herself.
As she grows, she may change the story line a bit. She might even drop Aunt Belinda and decide she’s more like Uncle Sylvester for X reasons when she’s 11 or 12. But the point is, she’s being given a strong messages that she is a special person with lots of talents and potential and that can always serve as the underpinnings of her own story line about who she is.
Tomorrow we will talk about The Third Gateway to Happiness for Girls.
The Truth is: We have all had a crush! Dr. Holstein talks about crushes, and so does the girl in The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything)
On p.43 of The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) the girl says: “Paul and I are the same height now. I grew this year and he didn’t. My mother says that is common at my age.”
“I liked it when he was taller than me. But I still love him.”
Yes, we have all had crushes. I remember how in love I was with a fellow who took me to the movies when I was 13 and my family met up with his family at a summer resort. I barely knew him but just sitting in a summer movie house for two hours with him and wow! holding his hand was enough. All summer I waited for his letter that he had promised to write. Day after day. I carried the torch for two full months. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t written. After all, he had said he would!
My mother tried to console me and told me there would be lots of other boys. Her kindness only partly helped. I had to live through the esctasy and the agony myself. Good news, by September, he was but a vague shadow in my past. Someone else had my eye . But that is another crush story!
How about you? Who did you have a crush on? What happened? Was your mom helpful?
And what about your daughter? Does she share crush information with you? Do you think she should? Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein
The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) is #11 in top 100 on Amazon for BEING A TEEN
I would think the girl in The Truth would enjoy knowing that she is captivating the hearts of girls and moms in lots of different places. She loves to travel, but so far has only traveled to one place that wasn’t where she lived. That was the time she got to take a ride in a small plane, sitting alone in the tiny cockpit, with the pilot directly in front of her. What a ride that was. Going up, up, up into the sky, seeing all the houses and then neighborhoods below her, and realzing that her very own parents had become tiny specks. It was an amazing adventure for her, filled with a little fear, offset by holding the pilot’s hand. Of course, he was handsome and dashing and that helped quiet her fears. She came down all too soon, back to the somewhat dull reality of visiting her relatives. That episode is on p.53 of the book. (She tells it better than I can).
She would be amazed to hear that people are sitting at what looks something like a typewriter and ordering her book from a place called Amazon. She does know about THE amazon from her geography class, but what is this? Is her book being stored in the jungle somewhere?
What I do know for certain is that she wants to hear from you. So please write to her after you read The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything). Tell her what your greatest adventure has been or have fun explaining what a computer is. Be pen pals.