Don’t Fool Yourself! Kid’s Have Elephant Ears and Hear Through Walls!

The girl in my book, The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) could teach her parents so much, if only they would listen! She is not alone. Most, if not all children, are acutely aware of what is wrong in a family, regardless of parent’s efforts to hide their problems. Even if the parents are not overheard through the walls, kids figure out that their is a problem going on. How? Many ways. Just like us, they sense when something is not right. They see facial expressions; they hear tones of voices; they recognize silence as a weapon or possibly a hurt reaction; they hear a door slam; a plate put down too harshly at the dinner table; a parent coming home too late without a good reason. Our behaviors are usually pretty easy to read. Even if a child can’t put into words what or why something is wrong at home, she will still feel that there is something wrong. And the pain for a child can be immense. For example, read what the girl has to say in her diary:

“Last night my parents had a big fight. I could sort of hear them through the walls of my room. My eyes were shut tight but my ears were wide open, like elephant ears, trying to hear every word. I couldn’t, but they made me nervous and I couldn’t sleep. Today in school I was tired. They are the grownups; they shouldn’t have stupid fights that keep me awake. And anyway, nothing gets solved. No one feels better after being yelled at or put down. No one is going to co-operate any better just because you yell at them and tell them all the things they do wrong. Even I know that! I should’ve been able to fall asleep and have sweet dreams! I could teach my mom and dad so much, if only they would listen. Why would a grown-up put down someone he’s supposed to love? I don’t get it. They waste so much time fighting, and before you know it, everyone’s mood is sad or angry and the day is ruined. This is one thing I’m really promising myself to never do! My dad says, “Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.” Well, even though he forgets his own words, I’m going to remember them.”

We need to understand that children want happy endings and everything to be alright. These are normal psychological expectations growing up. They depend on us to create the good times and to keep the household peaceful and a safe place to be. It is a big task when a couple is getting along. It is even a bigger task when there is friction between the parents.

Here are a three suggestions for you, if you and your spouse are struggling as a couple and perhaps it is your child that has elephant ears!

1. Seek professional help. Couple counseling can not only bring happiness back into your lives, but the counselor can help guide you on what to tell your child about your difficulties, how to soothe her, etc.

2. Make an effort to not go down the emotional developmental ladder, when the two of you are upset with each other. That means that your efforts to talk out problems, even if the kids overhear, rather than shouting, going silent, storming out, is the more grown-up decision. It will help show them that you are trying and also give them examples of tools of communication that they will need as grown-ups.

3. Above all try to maintain time with your child that is pleasant and loving. That goes for each parent. If you can not navigate good times together, then at least separately have fun, loving times with your child. She deserves the good times and so do you!

*Watch Julia reading for the girl in the play version of The Truth, The Locket

Lucille Ball Mentored Me When I Was a Child

As adults we forget how important mentors are to kids. A mentor can be a family dog that shares endless love, a teacher who never forgets to recognize and praise successes, a tree that teaches the comforts of just relaxing in the shade or even a television personality who is always there for a child to come home to. For me, one of my favorite mentors was Lucille Ball.

Oh, what ecstasy in my childhood to finish a dreary Monday by watching Lucy come to grips with her life in hysterical ways! She gave me courage to believe as a little girl that one could overcome adversity, have a life worth living, fill that life with positive emotions and fun, and stay happy even when faced with momentary distress. No one in the world could eat as many chocolates as fast as Lucy, working on an assembly line, bake a loaf of bread so large it overtook the kitchen, or carry a smelly cheese onto an international flight, wrapped up as baby! No one could make me laugh so hard!

Lucy has held the key to my humor heart at any time of day or night! Ah, I wish I could find her any time I need her — after a bad day, after bad news, after too big a dinner — after almost any occasion that could be buffered by a good laugh, and a comforting sense of the familiar.

What was her magic? How has she managed to take me to my Enchanted Self since I was a 10-year-old child, watching her in Fairfield, Connecticut on Monday nights? How has she engendered positive states of being again and again?

First of all, for most of us over 25, Lucy has become part of our history. She was always there, on a snow day, a day of illness, a late night when one couldn’t sleep. If you were lucky and flicked enough stations, there she was. Her smile was infectious, and her ineptness made us all feel comfortable. It was as if she revealed our most embarrassing moments for us. We never had to feel the shame or humiliation of tripping down the stairs with a giant showgirl hat on our heads or try to catch up with the real superman on the ledge to our apartment! Lucy did it for us. Yet, inside of each of us was the youngster that would have given anything to be in a show or looking for superman!

Secondly, she gave us the ‘real’ family that had a lot going for it, which not all of us had. They really seemed to love each other, they had good friends, they always made up when they fought, and nothing happened that was truly devastating. Silly mistakes were just that, and grudges were not held! They got to travel and meet famous people and eat in fancy restaurants! And, they had a baby and everyone was happy and loved the baby and no one was jealous. Lastly, they got to move up in life when they finally moved to the suburbs into a big house with lots of land and funny happenings. They even raised chickens!

What a beautiful world Lucy and her gang recreated for us. It was our country, our way of life, but on top of the familiar were humor, love, and always recovery from problems or embarrassments. In her own way she created positive psychology, before it had a name, for kids, tweens and teens.

In essence, she made the familiar the best it could be! She helped us live in our imaginations for a while, yet kept us earthbound at the same time. Yes, we were in states of well being, again and again — which is what THE ENCHANTED SELF is all about.

I realize now that she was one of my most important mentors. She was as important as Laura in Little House on The Prairie, one of the best books for girls that I ever read. Laura came to like in her books. Lucy came to life on our black and while tv screen. Thanks, Lucy! I hope I see you stuffing chocolates into your mouth again soon, so I can feel good about my silly moments and have another wonderful belly laugh!

Two Ways to Begin to Save the World, Wise Words Written by Linh, age 13

It still puts me in awe to realize that because I wrote The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) I have had the privelege of writing back and forth now for over two years to Linh, from Vietnam. As she has grown and matured into being a young teenager, her insights about the world and being a girl continue to fascinate me. I hope her dedication to trying to help the world solve its many problems will move you and hopefully influence all of us for the good! Here are her first two suggestions:
The world is regarded as our mutual home. We enjoy building and decorating our house as beautifully as possible, so why don’t we take notice of our bigger home as well ?

Here are the first two solutions that I think are possible to make our world a better place) by Linh Tieu

Environment – Start with children :

The more technologically advanced we are, the more we do great harm to the environment. Emissions transportation, such as automobiles or buses; smog from industrial factories; pollutants found in rivers…I’m not sure if adults are going to put forward any solutions to this problem, but from my perspective, cutting-edge technology or facilities aren’t guilty. The major dilemma is that we don’t find saving the environment important encough and inevitable. The first step is to educate kids as soon as possible. Dr. Dorris Allen – a psychologist – has proven that people tend to have behaviors based on what they experienced during childhood, so assuming we want our children to value the environment and wish to save it, we should start with them.

Schools should require students to learn a subject called “environment”. Teachers should give kids lessons about the importance of environment in our life, and methods to keep the environment clean and how to love the environment as you love yourselves and your relatives. By doing this, I’m inclined to believe that soon environmental problems will get better and we will have less urgent problems that become almost unsolvable.

Peace – All of us desperate for peace :

I’m living in a peaceful country, no wars and no conflicts. But I can hear the news on tv about wars in other nations. I just think that wars happen because people need more lands for their nations and they want to extend the sizes of their countries. But, why do they fancy having wars like that ?! They probably aren’t aware of the consequences to people, property and nature, but they ought to take notice of the children.

The kids are too innocent to know why what is occurring everyday in their homelands is happining; in other words, they deserve to live in happiness instead of panic. For centuries, people have fought for peace. Everyone needs peace for better lives, so why not make wars vanish permanently ?

I think, in this situation, the “Actions speak louder than words” is applicable. We hope that, adults can spend just a little of their time thinking for the Earth, or the world – our great home. Imagine someday wars disappear forever, people will find their relatives everywhere without any difficulty, and unity will become one of the most important elements which link people together.

Chinese Version of The Truth Handles Girl’s Anxiety Issues

I think it is interesting to share with you some of The Girl’s entries into her diary that are not in the American version of The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything). Two of her entries are about an anxiety dream she has several weeks before she starts the seventh grade in a new school, in a new town. Read on to find out what the dream was like, how her mother helped her handle the dream and what she learned about her parent.

* * *

Only three more weeks until we go back to school. I had a nightmare last night that I couldn’t find my new classrooms and I ended up back in the hallway that has the first, second and third grade classrooms. My heart was pounding in the dream and I was sweating. I kept running up and down the hallway but I couldn’t find any older kids, only babies, six, seven and eight. I knew I would be the last one to get to my new homeroom and I would look like a fool on the first day of school. No one comes in late on the first day!

Then I finally saw the hallway that goes to the seventh and eighth grade classrooms. But when I tried to reach it, it was like I could hardly move. I just couldn’t get there. I felt myself pulling on my body to move but nothing happened.

Then I woke up. I went in to my mother and father’s room and lay down on the floor with a blanket from my bed. They didn’t even know I was there. I just couldn’t be alone after that dream. I hate dreams like that and that’s the truth.

___________

My mother said I had an anxiety dream and a lot of people do before they have to do something new. I’m glad she told me that. I hope I don’t have anymore anxiety dreams.

She told me a lot of other stuff today. I guess ‘cause I’m getting older. My mother really knows a lot. She should have been a doctor or a teacher. She never went to college but wants me to go.

She told me that she had a choice of being a secretary or working in my Uncle Dan’s clothing store when she finished high school. She chose to become a secretary because my Grandfather said he would pay for her to go to secretarial school.

I asked her if she wanted to go to college. She said that she never thought about it because none of the girls in her family had ever gone to college.

She told me that once her brother said to her, “Edith, you are dumb but beautiful. Don’t worry. That’s ok. It is better than being dumb and not pretty.”

My mother promised herself when I was born that I would get more education than she had. She told me that she has been putting ten dollars a week away since I was born for my college education.

I hope I can really make her proud of me. I know that I’m smart. I hope that I’m pretty. I’m still scared and that really is the truth.

The Truth is starting its journey to becoming a play, The Locket!

The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) is coming a alive in the most amazing way! It is developing into a play. The first staged reading of the play took place on June 2, 2013 at 6:30 PM at the Asbury Park Musical Heritage Foundation. Seven girls played the girl in the book. They actresses were Alysa Finnegan, Julia Hecht, Kaylin Iannone, Carlee Iannone, Tess McDougal, Angie Bianchi and Megan Brown. They ranged in age from 8 to 15. There was also a professional actress, Heather O’Scanlon. The play was directed by Bob Angelini.

Was I excited? Absolutely. Hearing the girls act and bring the girl to life was an amazing thrill. The most amazing thing of all, was how all 7 girls made here so alive. It didn’t matter whether the lines were spoken by a girl or 8 or a girl of 15. The lines and comments and opinions and worries of the girl still all rang so true.

We played to a full house! After the performance, I gave a little talk in which I explained how the girl had come to exist. Good fiction is based on truths and my book certainly is based on truths. As a psychologist I am so aware that children have insight, wisdom and deep feelings. Capturing this in a book for girls was easy for me, as I am so convinced that we need to listen to each other so much more carefully than we usually do. Our kids need to be heard and also the girl or boy still inside of the grown-up has to be better understood and that voice allowed to come through. We don’t want to keep down the real source of all our energy and enthusiasm!

That’s right, it is the kid within us! Treasure her.

I hopw you enjoy this short clip from The Locket.

Why Lockets Are So Important in Books for Ten Year Old Girls And All The Rest of Us!

Did you ever own a locket? If you did you probably remember the magic of first checking to see if it really opened and then trying to figure out what to put in the picture spots. Usually there were two, one on each side. If you received your first locket when you were a girl, as I did, then you probably chose yourself for one of the pictures. At least I did. It made sense to me, as I had no siblings and if I put pictures in of my mom and dad, then where would I go?

What if I had a crush? Actually I did, but I never would have dreamed of puttling the boy’s picture in. My crush was even to personal to be hidden in a locket.

I liked to wear my locket as it gave me something lovely to touch when I was bored or thinking abstractly in school. It was engraved with some small hearts in a pattern and I could follow the pattern.

So when I was writing The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) it was natural for me to put a locket in the story. And for the girl it became very important as she, like most of us, came to value her locket. But for her, unlike me, the locket became a perfect vessel for a secret that she was trying to take into adulthood.

I can’t give it away, that would be unfair. But I do want to share with you some remarks from my associate journalist, Linh, the girl in Vietnam who read The Truth in Vietenemese and then wrote to me. She actually gave the girl a name as she read the book. Here are a few remarks she made about the locket:

“I decided to choose her the name “Funny” when I first read her diary two years ago. Today, I’m writing about her, specifically about her locket and her feelings about it.
On Funny’s birthday – March 30th – she was given money and a lot of gifts. However, maybe the present that she took most of her notice to was the necklace with a locket her aunt gave her. The locket was heart-shaped and lovely with spaces to put two photos in. Funny was extremely happy and satisfied with the gift Aunt Belinda gave her. That is to say, she ran around her room eagerly and kept the locket on her chest before putting the necklace around her neck. And in the locket, there was a picture of hers which was put in by Aunt Belinda. What about the other space ? Which photo would Funny put in, along with her own picture ?
After going downstairs, Funny talked again to her grandmother. Her .grandmother asked her whether she would put her little brother’s picture in the cute locket. Funny didn’t answer, but she thought that she would never put any photo of her little brother’s in the locket with her photo. She wanted to put Paul’s picture – the boy that she had fallen in love with before – in the locket instead. She thought couples often put each other’s picture in a locket like that. But she could find no ways to have one photo of Paul’s. At first, she intended to use Paul’s picture in his student card, but the picture couldn’t be neither taken out nor small enough to be in Funny’s locket. Funny wanted to borrow the Brownie camera of her parents; unfortunately, they wouldn’t permit her to bring it to school. It was such a pity !
There are many things else about Funny that we can discuss more. But still her lovable locket with Funny’s insighful emotions are very awesome, to me personally. Do you also think so, girls ?”

Do you have memories of a locket? Please share by writing to me at drbarbara@enchantedself.com or on the facebook page: The Truth for Girls.

Why Did I Write The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know Everything)?

Many know me as a positive psychologist, and a therapist. Others remember me as a school psychologist and there are still many who remember me as a first and second grade teacher. Perhaps theirs!

But we are always more than our outer self and those who know me personally know that I am a keeper of the secret voices and issues that we all face as girls and women.

I learned from my father, Dr. Harry A. Becker, Superintendent of Schools in Norwalk, Connecticut and first president of the Norwalk Community Collge, that opportunity is critical for women. Women who don’t make or have a chance to make wise educational decisions may be at the mercy of their society.

My dad spent his professional life designing programs of education and training that would help both men and women find places of dignity for themselves in the work place. He started the School of Dental Hygeine at the University of Bridgeport, the School of Nursing there and the School of Education. In Norwalk, the Norwalk Community College has had 172,000 students study there since the first courses were offered around l970.

I believe that his passion to helping woman think through how they will educate themselves and still live a full life if they desire of raising children, marriage, etc. has fused within in me into a passion for helping girls and women recognize their own potential and have the courage to hold on to and appreciate the best of themselves.

This is no easy task, as what is so fun and playful when we are 10 or 11 becomes very hard to stay part of ourselves when hormones and media pressures start to flow around 12. And by the time we are grown-ups other pressures such as holding a job, marriage, babies, aging parents, money, etc. keep us from delighting in and encouraging the sparks within ourselves that are our talents, strengths and potential.

But we all know that a sober book about this subject may not do the trick. What can help is the use of drama. Good books and plays leave their mark because we are emotionally aroused and infused afterwards.

Watch my video on what I decided to do:

That’s what I decided to do with The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything). I decided to write a great easy read book for girls, a profound book, like The Little Prince in its simplicity. And like Laura books about The Little House on The Prairie, read enough, with a girl speaking from her heart, so that all girls could relate.

But it wasn’t enough just for them to related to the girl. I needed the moms and teachers and grandmoms to also relate. And I think I have achieved that. We all have the laughing, delightful girl inside of us, who is still full of energy and talents. We just need to find her again and again, celebrate her and let her come alive.

The girl in The Truth finds away to hold on to her girl as she is about to become a teen and I know the energy and wisdom she shares is helping the rest of us also hold on to the girl inside of ourselves!

The Truth for Girls is Today’s Girl Doesn’t Want to Be Just a Sleeping Beauty!

This girl looks like she is having a lovely night’s sleep and that is wonderful. We want our kids to sleep deeply and walk refreshed. But don’t think they want to be in a fairy tale like Sleeping Beauty! No way. Today’s girl is full of energy and life and she isn’t going to sit around or nap and wait for prince charming to come along on a white horse.

child sleeping

We, now adult women, may have believed, and some of us still believe that we will be saved by the right man finding us. Thankfully, more and more girls in todays world assume they will make their own way as well as find a suitable mate. They don’t always wait for a fellow to call or text them. The chase is more mutual as it should be.

What does that mean in terms of raising a daughter? It means we really have to work hard to make sure our girls grow up strong with good self-esteem and lots of resiliency. And how do we do this?
By building on their strengths, talents and potential.
By not ignoring their feelings and ideas.
By spending direct time with them, without the distraction of technology.
By laughing and sharing parts of yourselves with them.
By going places and doing acitivities together and remembering good times.

And of course by encouraging their sense of self through the written word. There are many books that are great books for girls. Little House on the Prairie never goes out of style! Little Women helps to build character. There are 100’s of these classics. And in today’s world there are great books for girls. The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) is a wonderful place to start building self-esteem with your daughter or granddaughter. It is an easy read and you can have a great discussion after every page. If she is 8, read it together. If she is 9, 10 or older, after she reads the books sit and discuss the questions in the back and discuss page by page.

Have fun making sure your daughter or granddaughter is no Sleeping Beauty!

Author Dr Barbara Becker Holstein talks about children’s anxieties and how to help

Secret Diary Entry not in The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything).

I just finished reading A Summer Camp Miracle Story. Angela said she loved the book so I borrowed it from her. In the story Jackie goes away to camp and has all sorts of adventures, both bad and good. She wins an award for paddling a canoe the fastest and she makes lots of friends. But something bad happens. She almost drowns in the deep end of the lake. It’s a long story. She gets saved by the senior life guard and has fun at the hospital having her lungs checked out cause she swallowed so much water.

I don’t think I should have read the book. It made me so afraid. I’ve always been a little afraid of swimming in deep water and now I’m really scared. I don’t want to go to the beach this summer. What am I going to do? Kids are supposed to love to go to the beach. Who can I tell that I am pertrified? I don’t want to die that way.

I can’t tell Angela. She’ll think I’m a baby! I can’t tell me mother she will tell me I’m being ridiculous and that I’m a good swimmer.
I can’t tell my dad cause he was so proud of me when I passed the intermedite swimming test.

It’s times like this I don’t know what to do with myself. Can you help me Dear Diary?

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We often forget that kids have lots of fears and concerns. Even something they have appeared to have mastered can worry them again. They get triggered by upsetting information just as we do. The girl was triggered by reading a story where a child almost drowned. Even though the girl in the story was fine, the girl was left with increased anxiety and concern. And to top it off, she didn’t know where to turn.

We have to make sure as parents, teachers, grandparents, etc. that we are there for kids to turn to. We need to be alert to mood changes and/or remarks. Hopefully, the girl will get up her courage and ask the right person, or one of her parents will notice that she looks upset. Our job in real life is not to leave a child to just roam freely with anxiety and concerns. Our job is to pick up on nuances and spend enough time with our kids that we help to quiet the fear.